Monday, November 06, 2006

Twelve Things you may not know...

...about sex!

1. Always entails a fight over whose side of the bed you're meant to be on - this ensures a raising of blood pressure which is essential for later on.

2. It's also a good idea to empty your bladder beforehand (in the bathroom!) - there's nothing more annoying than having to get up in the cold and run for the bathroom. But at least he keeps the bed warm for you!

3. Squelching sounds should be completely inaudible - if you can hear them, you're not breathing loudly enough.

4. If he asks if it's big enough - lie. Imagination is a wonderful thing.

5. If he has to ask if you're enjoying it, something has gone wrong!

6. A bed with a good stiff footboard gives him something to brace/push off against.

7. Small children can and will march into your room and ask for biscuits/drink/toys/stories. Try to anticipate these needs beforehand, and if you haven't got a lock for the bedroom door, try a chair wedged under the handle!

8. Make sure said small children are not running around the back garden in earshot - it is offputting when they start to argue. Loudly.

9. When it's all over bags the shower first - he really will appreciate you for the few minutes post-coital sleep it affords him.

10. A nice cup of tea never goes amiss afterwards.

11. Likewise a nice argument afterwards - just in case they were taking you for granted.

12. The above gives you a good excuse to do it all over again.


Anonymous said...

Well, I suppose someone had to do a sex one for Skint's non-meme! Glad it was you - think I would have lost readers!
Nicely done!

Anonymous said...

But who makes the cup of tea.....?

Cailleach said...

The cup of tea is always made by the man - another thing you didn't know about sex is that the female shouldn't move afterwards, unless there are a lot of tissues available!