Getting out of my mind and into the world
Lovely...this evoked a memory of standing on the stairs of an old victorian school house. Our school had recently been refurbished with flimsy, cheap materials. 'New Build' they call it. As I put my hand on the solid banister rail and felt the slate steps beneath me, I had this feeling of stability, strength and permanence. I got that feeling from these verses too! :-)
You say the sweetest things - thanks Jon. Mind you that was what I was aiming for. Needs a bit of tweaking though.
Hi, Barbara. Overall I liked this, although I wasn't too sure about 'boings', which seems at odd with the gravity and tone of the rest of the poem. I have a bit of a quibble with 'vaseline-d', too, though I don't konw what to suggest as an alternative. I think the last stanza is really good - a strong finish and damn near perfect rhythmically. Thanks for posting. Oh, and thanks for you kind comments about my most recent post - I hope its useful and thought-provoking.
Thanks for looking it over Ben it's great to get other eyes looking at the words to see what can be worked on. It'll be whipped in a few days, as I need it for something!
Really like this, especially the "clonk" really captures the sound. I like vasline-d as I don't know if you know but to get a soft focus you can actually vaseline the lens or at least a filter mounted on the lens, so it's in keeping with photography. Only wee thing is that my ear doesn't easily scan "a making" -it seems to trip over the a because of the a in the very next line.
Yeah. I like that!
They don't make cameras with character like that anymore. the poem hasn't gone away completely you know :-)
Thanks cybez, chiefbiscuit and apprentice. Now I am intrigued...cybez...
cached search results
Post a Comment